Love is a Verb

Honesty time.  The biggest mess in my life right now is my marriage.  Nick and I have been together for 10 years this March.  Our third wedding anniversary is on Wednesday.  We are hanging by a thread.

I was one of those people who always thought that having children wouldn't change me.  And it certainly wouldn't change my marriage.  I was dead wrong.  When Penny was born, my entire focus in life shifted.  Nothing was about me anymore, and even less was about my marriage.  She became my one and only priority.  I was nursing on demand, following many attachment parenting practices like baby wearing, co-sleeping, and following her schedule lead.  We didn't have a true date night until she was 6 months old, and it was getting away for 2 hours for dinner.  Same goes for me having any sort of Mom's night out.  I went to dinner for 2 hours when she was 6 months old.

During the last 3 years, many things have changed.  Nick became a business owner.  I went back to work.  Nick re-entered the sport of power lifting and began a lifestyle change that comes with being a competitive athlete.  I starting doing things for myself like having nights out with friends and going to visit my family.  In that time, we did not make sure that we had a lot of time together.  We slipped far away from one another into a pattern of hurt and resentment.  I am hoping desperately that we can get back to where we once were.

One thing that I have always done is make excuses.  I say that I am trying but I never just "do".  With the help of a therapist and a whole hell of a lot of self reflection, I have realized what I am able to control, and that is myself.  I need to stop "trying" and start "doing".  I am not perfect.  There are many things that I do that I wish I could change.  In realizing that I truly have the power to change them I can make a difference in our lives.  By working on my messes, I can fix the biggest mess of them all: my marriage.  And, if it doesn't fix itself, at least I can know that I did everything I could to get it back on track.

I am desperate for a routine.

For me, a lack of routine will kill any good intentions that I once had.  I plan to work out, to clean, to make dinner, to read, to call a friend but if I don't have it scheduled it will not happen.  One of the biggest overall changes that I need to make is a routine for myself.  What is going to be the best way to get everything done that I need to and still enjoy my life?  How can I gain back the control of my evenings when I feel like they are beyond hectic?  How can I make time to do things that I currently don't to better myself?

I can do all of these things with a better routine.  Our therapist suggested that I try to figure out whatever routine I need to get things done.  Make a plan and stick to it.  Here is the basic plan that I have come up with.

1. Meal Planning.  This will be the number one thing that I need to work on to make my weeknights and weekends run smoother.  If I know exactly what I need to have on hand and when dinner needs to be started it will save a lot of running around after work.  If I buy what I need based on what I am going to make, it will save me time in the grocery store wandering through aisles.  And, if I plan my meals based on sales, it may even save us a little bit of money in the long run.
2. Having a set dinner time.  Right now, I usually wait to see how things go in the afternoon before I even think about when dinner will be.  Is Penelope extra clingy today? Do we need to go to the grocery store?  Do I need to clean up before I can cook?  From now on, dinner will be at 6 unless we are going out to eat.  This way, I can know exactly how my afternoon has to go when I get home from work.  Nick will know what time we will eat and if he can be home, he will.  If not, then we will sit together when he does get home and dinner will already be made for him.
3. A bedtime routine for Penny.  This is easily my biggest headache right now.  There is no constancy in her bedtime.  Now that I have established when dinner is, it means that her bedtime routine can follow.  Bath at 6:30.  Snuggle and a half a Daniel Tiger at 7.  Books and lights out by 7:30.  Hopefully asleep by 8.
4. A chore chart.  I recently printed out a chore chart and have hung it with my "command center" (more on this another time).  It tells me what I should clean everyday and give me something concrete to see and a list to check off when it is done.  If I do all the things on the list, it will make maintaining easier.  Then, things will be clean when we get home.  I won't have to wash dishes before I make dinner because they will be done already.  This is so important for me.

I know that in many ways it is silly that an adult woman would need this much structure in order to get a handle on her life, but I know myself.  I know that chaos is NOT my friend.  I need to have the stability of a routine and know that I can always expect this.  Will there be days when things change; yes.  And then, I will roll with it. Until then, I will live and die by my new schedule.  Eventually, once I get a handle on the basics, I would love to add things in.  Ideally, I could push dinner back an hour or make something in the crock pot so that I could go to the gym in the afternoon.  We could have a set date night or even have a time every few months where we get away for an overnight.  The big benefit in this new schedule is that I can be calm knowing what is next.  Penny can be calm knowing how her day will go.  And Nick can be calm knowing that he doesn't have to question when dinner will be on any given day.  Once again, the true step for me will be the actual "doing". 

One Year Later and Everything Has Changed

As I was looking through pictures in order to make a slideshow for Penelope's birthday, I stumbled across this beauty...

41 weeks pregnant!

This picture was taken on April 29, 2012. I am on the phone, probably with my midwife or the hospital.  We were going for non-stress tests every few days.  Looking back at this picture reminds me so much of what I was going through during those last few weeks of pregnancy.  Penelope was due on April 23rd.  That day came, and then was long gone, before we knew it.  Nick and I had NO idea how much our life was really going to change.  And, it did in so many wonderful ways.

As soon as we saw our sweet little girl, we were new people.  We were no longer just Marjorie and Nick; we were now Momma and Daddy, too.  We began focusing all of our attention on the tiny human we were raising.  And now, we can hardly remember what it was like before she was in our life.  We both feel like we have known her forever.  It's amazing how we had 8 years with just Nick and I, and only one as a family of three, but it feels like a lifetime.

Over the last year, we have fallen in love with our baby every single day.  She is honestly the light in our days.  We feel complete with her and look forward to seeing her smile each morning when she wakes up.  We used to focus on ourselves, or each other, completely.  Now, we are always thinking of Penelope's needs above our own.  She is our everything, and I can't believe that we have only had a year together.


Our baby will be a year old in a week.  And, I seriously cannot believe it.

Any Day Now

Well, I am officially due one week from today.  I now understand what this waiting game is all about.  Although I have never seen a due date as an expiration date, I do feel myself getting more anxious as that date gets closer. Will she be early? late? right "on time"?

Nick and I have gotten everything ready for her.  Her pack and play is set up in our room right next to the bed. That's where she'll be sleeping for the first few months since I plan on exclusively breast feeding and I have also been told that baby sleeping in your room helps everyone get more sleep.  Her clothes are washed and ready for her to wear them.  The stroller has been built and is already in the trunk of my car waiting for our first walk on the canal.  Her car seat is installed and ready for her to be riding around in it!  And, we rearranged our living room and replaced the love seat with the glider and ottoman.  Nick is already ready to be rocking his baby in that thing everyday!


Beyond the material things, we are just ready for her to get here.  Nick and I have been talking about a family since we were teenagers.  It's so exciting to know that we are starting our little family at any time now.  We are excited to go through labor and delivery together.  Both of us can't wait to just hold her. I have a feeling that we will be the couple that just stares at their baby all day long.  As soon as Nick gets home from work at night, I know he will just want to hold her as much as he can.  I just want to know what she's going to look like.  I am excited and anxious to see if I will see myself in her or if she will be the spitting image of Nick.

One way or another, we don't have much longer to wait.  I think that we can make it and I'm really hoping that she chooses to get here on the sooner side rather than the later.

Writing to my Unborn Child

As soon as I found out that we were expecting, I went out and bought a simple journal.  I knew that I would want to write to her before she was born to tell her how excited we are for her arrival and talk about what we had been doing to get ready.  My Mom has a journal that she wrote in when she was pregnant with me and when I was little.  It's something that I love to read.

I found that I am having a hard time writing to her regularly (much like writing in my blog regularly!).  I am still working full time, and other than that, there hasn't been much going on that seems exciting.  We don't have her room ready yet, I haven't had a baby shower, we only have a couple of friends and Nick's parents nearby so there isn't tooooo much doting on her yet.  I think that it will be easier for me to write to her once she is actually here, even though I never thought that would be the case.  I guess I just don't  have many feelings or events that I really want to share with her.


I can't wait for her to get here and for us to be able to hold her.  I am not nervous about how things will change or if I will be able to handle having a little life to take care of.  I know that there are things that I will need to learn, but I feel like I am a natural, and I am just so excited to begin this part of our lives.  These next 10 weeks can fly by and I will be fine with that!



Did anyone else write to their baby before he/she was born?  What did you write to them about?

28 Weeks!!

Hi Everyone!  I have some posts planned, but I just never seem to sit down to write them!  Here is a little update on me and the baby! :)

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Up about 13lbs from weight pre-preg, but lost about 15lbs in the first trimester.

Maternity Clothes: All of my pants and undershirts are maternity at this point.  Still wearing some non-maternity sweaters and cardigans.  I love maternity pants with the full panel; I think I want to wear them for the rest of my life!

Stretch Marks: None yet.  Here's hoping.  Just went out and bought some organic palmer's lotion just in case.

Sleep: I haven't been sleeping great.  I've been having really, really, really vivid dreams that keep me awake a lot.  Also, my knees which were bad to begin with seem to be getting much more sore at night.  I just bought the Boppy cuddle pillow and used it for the first time last night; it seems to help!

Movement: Lots and lots of movement.  The moving isn't as weird as the pressure coming from inside.  I love it, but it's a little strange.

Food Cravings/Aversions: I had a pretty good craving for a grilled cheese this week, and talked Nick into taking me over to Friendly's to get the perfect one!  Chicken is still something that is not my favorite at this point.  Nick made pulled chicken in the crock pot and the smell just grossed me out!

Gender: Sweet Baby Girl!  

Belly Button - In, but getting shallow.  I have a feeling it will be an outie sooner or later.

What I miss: Wine, margaritas, cap't and coke.  Basically, booze.

What I am looking forward to: Right now, Super Bowl Sunday!  We're having a few friends over and I'm making a bunch of delish football food.  Beyond that, I can't wait for my shower to see what else we need to get for her nursery.  Nick said that I can also start buying clothes after we see what people might gift for us.  There are SO many cute things that I want to get for her, especially from Carter's!




I don't have a picture from this week, but here is one from 27 weeks!  I need to take some better ones soon :)

Thankful

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving week. Wednesday night, I was able to go out with some of my oldest friends (3 of us have been friends since the 6th grade!). We had a great night, and just like we used to, we wound up dressed alike! When we were in the 6th grade, we used to plan what we were going to wear in order to dress alike, this time it was purely coincidental.

I guess black turtlenecks are just universally flattering!

On Thanksgiving Day, Nick and I were able to spend the day with his parents, and their longtime friends. It was a great day with awesome food. With my family far away, it was nice to still be able to have a great holiday with his family.

Friday night, I went to a place nearby called Edaville Railroad with my best friend, her husband, in-laws, and adorable baby girl. Even though I grew up about a half an hour away, I had never been! It was really fun, with the entire area decorated with tons and tons of Christmas lights. It certainly got me into the Christmas spirit.

Me, My BFF Katie, and her sweet baby girl Caroline

On Saturday, I got to meet the woman that I have contacted to take our engagement pictures while she was taking family portraits for Katie and her family. She was great and I am really excited to get our pictures taken! The rest of the day with spent with Katie, her sister (who is 8 months pregnant!) and her sister's husband. We had a great day hanging out and doing some shopping. We also gorged ourselves on my favorite chicken fingers!

Saturday did bring a rude awakening to me, that even though I have been out of high school for almost 8 years now, apparently people (guys) don't ever grow up. I overheard a kid who pretended to be happy to see my friend and I talking about how I don't deserve an opinion on something because I am "freakishly tall". Unreal, right? I guess I will never get away from the being tall ridicule!

Anyway, all in all, I had a wonderful holiday. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

Day 27 - My Worst Habit

I don't think this is a secret (judging by the title of my blog and my previous posts), but I am messy. My worst habit is not picking up after myself and ignoring my (and Nick's) messes! I have been really trying to keep up with the housework, but even Nick said that our kitchen seems to repel being clean, and I am bad about keeping our bedroom clean. I know the bedroom will be the hardest habit to kick. No one ever really comes into our room, and I can always close the door. I need to change that thinking!!

Lately, I have been spending a lot of time at Marshalls, TJ Maxx, HomeGoods, and Christmas Tree Shops buying little things to make our apartment feel more home-y. I think if our house is decorated in a way that I like, I will want to make sure our house is inviting and presentable!

Big Changes...

Well, I know that I usually blog about cleaning and organizing and all the excuses that go along with it, but today I thought I should update on my life.

This week, I worked my last day at the job I've been at for the last 5 years. The company that my step-dad owns is being sold so that he can get down to North Carolina with my mom, brother, and sister. This means that the job I work is no longer available. While it's sad to be leaving the place that I have spent most of the last half a decade at, I am excited for the possibilities that my days now have.

Instead of spending 3 hours a day commuting, I can spend that time doing anything really. I can tackle the projects around the apartment that I never found time to do before. I can plan meals, and have dinner on the table for Nick when he gets home, since he has usually left the house before 5 a.m. I can spend some time with my Sisters before they leave at the end of the summer.

Although I love the freedom that I now have in my days, I am having a hard time adjusting to this schedule. Today, for example, I layed around the house a little in the morning, cleaned up the kitchen a bit, spent a couple of hours at the beach with my sis and her friend, had dinner in the crockpot all day so it was ready when Nick was home. Since we ate around 6 o'clock and he had been working since 4, he was ready for bed. He's been asleep since 7. So I watched a 2 1/2 hour long movie on Hulu (Vanity Fair with Reece Witherspoon...had never seen it and I loved it!), and now am updating the blog. I know that I will adjust to the time that I have now, and certainly don't want to seem like I am complaining about have all day to do whatever needs to be done, it's just weird right now.

Anyway, I am pumped to see what things I will do with my days, and can't wait to share pictures of the projects I will tackle (like that big clothes purge I talked about months ago!).