Friday, November 21, 2014

Love is a Verb

Honesty time.  The biggest mess in my life right now is my marriage.  Nick and I have been together for 10 years this March.  Our third wedding anniversary is on Wednesday.  We are hanging by a thread.

I was one of those people who always thought that having children wouldn't change me.  And it certainly wouldn't change my marriage.  I was dead wrong.  When Penny was born, my entire focus in life shifted.  Nothing was about me anymore, and even less was about my marriage.  She became my one and only priority.  I was nursing on demand, following many attachment parenting practices like baby wearing, co-sleeping, and following her schedule lead.  We didn't have a true date night until she was 6 months old, and it was getting away for 2 hours for dinner.  Same goes for me having any sort of Mom's night out.  I went to dinner for 2 hours when she was 6 months old.

During the last 3 years, many things have changed.  Nick became a business owner.  I went back to work.  Nick re-entered the sport of power lifting and began a lifestyle change that comes with being a competitive athlete.  I starting doing things for myself like having nights out with friends and going to visit my family.  In that time, we did not make sure that we had a lot of time together.  We slipped far away from one another into a pattern of hurt and resentment.  I am hoping desperately that we can get back to where we once were.

One thing that I have always done is make excuses.  I say that I am trying but I never just "do".  With the help of a therapist and a whole hell of a lot of self reflection, I have realized what I am able to control, and that is myself.  I need to stop "trying" and start "doing".  I am not perfect.  There are many things that I do that I wish I could change.  In realizing that I truly have the power to change them I can make a difference in our lives.  By working on my messes, I can fix the biggest mess of them all: my marriage.  And, if it doesn't fix itself, at least I can know that I did everything I could to get it back on track.

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