Love is a Verb

Honesty time.  The biggest mess in my life right now is my marriage.  Nick and I have been together for 10 years this March.  Our third wedding anniversary is on Wednesday.  We are hanging by a thread.

I was one of those people who always thought that having children wouldn't change me.  And it certainly wouldn't change my marriage.  I was dead wrong.  When Penny was born, my entire focus in life shifted.  Nothing was about me anymore, and even less was about my marriage.  She became my one and only priority.  I was nursing on demand, following many attachment parenting practices like baby wearing, co-sleeping, and following her schedule lead.  We didn't have a true date night until she was 6 months old, and it was getting away for 2 hours for dinner.  Same goes for me having any sort of Mom's night out.  I went to dinner for 2 hours when she was 6 months old.

During the last 3 years, many things have changed.  Nick became a business owner.  I went back to work.  Nick re-entered the sport of power lifting and began a lifestyle change that comes with being a competitive athlete.  I starting doing things for myself like having nights out with friends and going to visit my family.  In that time, we did not make sure that we had a lot of time together.  We slipped far away from one another into a pattern of hurt and resentment.  I am hoping desperately that we can get back to where we once were.

One thing that I have always done is make excuses.  I say that I am trying but I never just "do".  With the help of a therapist and a whole hell of a lot of self reflection, I have realized what I am able to control, and that is myself.  I need to stop "trying" and start "doing".  I am not perfect.  There are many things that I do that I wish I could change.  In realizing that I truly have the power to change them I can make a difference in our lives.  By working on my messes, I can fix the biggest mess of them all: my marriage.  And, if it doesn't fix itself, at least I can know that I did everything I could to get it back on track.

My blog name has never rung more true.

There have been many times over the last year that I have thought about blogging again.  But, I could never find the time.  Or, never make the time.  And even then, what would I write about?  Nothing interesting was happening.  Nothing exciting.  Nothing new.

Now, here I am blogging again.  What is different this time? Everything.  I am literally trying to get by just one mess at a time.  We moved apartments and nothing is set up right.  My marriage is on the rocks.  My 2.5 year old is going on 14 and tests me everyday.  And, my physical and emotional health has never been worse.

So, starting right now that is going to change.  I am going to change it.  There is so much that I want to do and so many times I have stopped myself with excuses and self doubt, but I will make a change.  I will make changes for myself, for my marriage, for my husband, for my daughter, and for our family.  I hope that blogging about these things will keep me focused, accountable, and proud of the things that I know I will accomplish.

One Year Later and Everything Has Changed

As I was looking through pictures in order to make a slideshow for Penelope's birthday, I stumbled across this beauty...

41 weeks pregnant!

This picture was taken on April 29, 2012. I am on the phone, probably with my midwife or the hospital.  We were going for non-stress tests every few days.  Looking back at this picture reminds me so much of what I was going through during those last few weeks of pregnancy.  Penelope was due on April 23rd.  That day came, and then was long gone, before we knew it.  Nick and I had NO idea how much our life was really going to change.  And, it did in so many wonderful ways.

As soon as we saw our sweet little girl, we were new people.  We were no longer just Marjorie and Nick; we were now Momma and Daddy, too.  We began focusing all of our attention on the tiny human we were raising.  And now, we can hardly remember what it was like before she was in our life.  We both feel like we have known her forever.  It's amazing how we had 8 years with just Nick and I, and only one as a family of three, but it feels like a lifetime.

Over the last year, we have fallen in love with our baby every single day.  She is honestly the light in our days.  We feel complete with her and look forward to seeing her smile each morning when she wakes up.  We used to focus on ourselves, or each other, completely.  Now, we are always thinking of Penelope's needs above our own.  She is our everything, and I can't believe that we have only had a year together.


Our baby will be a year old in a week.  And, I seriously cannot believe it.

Our First Ultrasound!

This past Wednesday, we had our first ultrasound.  Saying that Nick and I were excited to really see if there is a baby in there was an understatement.  At our first appointment with the midwife, she was unable to hear the heartbeat with the doppler since I was only about 8 weeks along at that point.  So, although there were symptoms that made me know I was pregnant, I had not had any real confirmation.

Needless to say, about a day before our appointment, I started having irrational fears (per usual) that there would be something wrong when we got there.  I asked Nick if he was nervous, and of course he wasn't; just excited.  I just had to see the image on the screen to feel better about everything!

We got into the room with the ultrasound tech, and we were both giddy with excitement.  Then we see the little skeleton looking thing up on the screen, and the amount of relief that I felt seeing that was unreal.  Nick squeezed my hand tight, and I finally had confirmation that this was not just my imagination.  Just as we thought, I was 13w3d, and due around April 25th.  At our next ultrasound, we will be able to find out if the baby growing inside of me is a boy or a girl, and that is something that I am SO looking forward to!

So for now, here are the pictures of our little baby.  I have no thought on what the sex of the baby might be, although Nick thinks it's a boy.  A few other friends agree with him.  Most of my family and some friends seem to be calling it a "she".  I think that's because, like myself, they have always imagined me with a daughter.  We will see in 5 short weeks (maybe longer depending on how we plan on doing the gender reveal!).  

Graduation

I know, I know, It's been forever.


I've been busy.

It's not you, it's me...really.


I only have 7 more Saturday's of classes until I am OFFICIALLY graduated, but I did get to walk a couple of weekends ago (and most of my family was able to come!).  I am excited to have some free time back and I promise to get back to blogging!

Here are some pictures!  (Some of them aren't the greatest, I only have about half of the pictures that were taken!).

Nick, Me, and Michaela 

Nick, Me and Mom

My Dad, My Sisters, and I before graduation!

Michaela and I where we met in 2003!

Bay Path College, Class of 2011

Proud Dad!

Bad Blogger

I'm really sorry, but I have been seriously slacking in the blog post area...


January was a month that dragged on and on and on, and I didn't really do a lot of interesting things.  I am lacking inspiration.  


Good news is that I have some ideas for posts, and you should see some this week (I am just too lazy to do it right now, I have dishes and vacuuming and sweeping calling my name!). 






Oh, and a side note, Happy Birthday to my baby brother Manny!  He is 6 years old today!  I'll leave you with a couple of pictures ♥

February 7, 2005

Summer 2008

Nick and Manny Being Silly
December 2010
(Manny was 1 Month old when Nick and I started dating!)

Summer 2009

Christmas 2007 (I think)

So excited for Christmas!!

So sorry that I have been completely out of touch! I just finished up my classes and have two weeks where I don't have to worry about homework. I also finalized graduation plans and will for sure be graduating in May and finishing up my classes in July. I cannot wait.

Christmas is coming this week, and I am beyond excited to spend some time with my family in Wilmington. Plus, the longest road trip Nick and I have ever taken was to Albany, so this will be a nice experience for us.

I will update some more after the holiday, and expect some fun family photos (I am VERY tempted to have someone take some impromptu engagement pictures with my step dad's higher end camera).

I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas. Enjoy the time with your friends and family, to me, that's what it's all about ♥ ♥ ♥

Thankful

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving week. Wednesday night, I was able to go out with some of my oldest friends (3 of us have been friends since the 6th grade!). We had a great night, and just like we used to, we wound up dressed alike! When we were in the 6th grade, we used to plan what we were going to wear in order to dress alike, this time it was purely coincidental.

I guess black turtlenecks are just universally flattering!

On Thanksgiving Day, Nick and I were able to spend the day with his parents, and their longtime friends. It was a great day with awesome food. With my family far away, it was nice to still be able to have a great holiday with his family.

Friday night, I went to a place nearby called Edaville Railroad with my best friend, her husband, in-laws, and adorable baby girl. Even though I grew up about a half an hour away, I had never been! It was really fun, with the entire area decorated with tons and tons of Christmas lights. It certainly got me into the Christmas spirit.

Me, My BFF Katie, and her sweet baby girl Caroline

On Saturday, I got to meet the woman that I have contacted to take our engagement pictures while she was taking family portraits for Katie and her family. She was great and I am really excited to get our pictures taken! The rest of the day with spent with Katie, her sister (who is 8 months pregnant!) and her sister's husband. We had a great day hanging out and doing some shopping. We also gorged ourselves on my favorite chicken fingers!

Saturday did bring a rude awakening to me, that even though I have been out of high school for almost 8 years now, apparently people (guys) don't ever grow up. I overheard a kid who pretended to be happy to see my friend and I talking about how I don't deserve an opinion on something because I am "freakishly tall". Unreal, right? I guess I will never get away from the being tall ridicule!

Anyway, all in all, I had a wonderful holiday. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!

Last night's phonecall...

Last night, I got a phone call from my cousin April. Usually, we talk through text or facebook, so I was hoping that this phone call was for a happy reason...

It was!!!

Her (now) fiancé asked her to marry him last night! I could not be happier for the two of them, and I know that their wedding is going to be beautiful and full of love ♥

When we were kids, we used to make up "clubs" so that our younger siblings couldn't hang out with us, or at least so that we would get extra privileges (yes, we were those mean older cousins). When I was 10 and she was 11, it was the "Double digits club". When she came to visit me with her sister in the summer of 2004 it was the "18 and up club". When we all went on vacation in 2007 it was the "21 and up club". When we got to see each other this year, we joked that it was now the "25 and up club", but who knew that we could now be a part of the "engaged club", too!

Congratulations again to April and Sayer ♥

A Little Study Break

I am finishing up my work for the last part of the two classes that I am taking right now, but I need a little study break! Last week, my friend Tara over at Connecticut Yankees in South Carolina posted some questions for her readers to answer. Here go the questions and answers from me!

1) Do you think you're a good cook? Why or why not?

I think that the things that I cook taste good. Do I think that I am a good cook? No. This is mostly because I am not very adventurous when it comes to what I make, and I don't feel confident enough to just "whip up a dinner".

2) Regardless of your answer to the above question, share a recipe with me :)

I am totally cheating on this question, and will just direct you here. This is supposed to be a quick study break after all;)

3) Do you feel as if crime shows such as the Law & Order series or Criminal Minds scare you or make you hypervigilant?

We watch Law and Order: SVU all the time. Even before we did, my Dad was a big L&O fan, so we watched a lot of it with him, too. I don't think that it really scares me or makes me hypervigilant, but it does make me wonder a little more. If I see something suspicious on the side of the road, I tend to think it could be something more than just a bag of trash!

4) Where was the last place you went on vacation?

The last place I went on vacation was to my Mom's house in Wilmington, NC. My cousin and I got to go together and spend the weekend.

5) In regards to the above question...did you enjoy yourself? What was your favorite part?

We had a great time! It was so awesome to see my cousin April, my sister, my brother, and my Mom. We got to go to the beach one day, and since it was already September, the beach was quiet and awesome. We also got to kayak near the house and wound up on a little beach there, too! My favorite part was the night that we spent drinking wine and eating baked brie. The food was delish, and it was nice to relax with everyone!

6) Name anywhere from one to three of your favorite stores. They can be anything from grocery stores to shoe stores!

My favorite stores are Target (I can always find something I love!), Savers (Again, I can always find something to bring home), and Christmas Tree Shops (since I am in a crazy decorating phase right now!).

7) What was the best pet you ever had? Cat, dog, guinea pig, I don't care! What was its name, what did you love about it, etc. :)

I've never been much of a pet person. We always had indoor/outdoor cats and they weren't my favorite. I guess the best on was a cat named Tiger. He was a striped cat who was just very relaxed. I'm sure this will change once Nick and I get our first pet!

8) Now share a [preferably personal, as in yours and not a random one from the internet] picture! Either of something you've cooked, from the vacation mentioned above, or of that favorite pet you just wrote about :)

Here is a picture of the view from the beach that we kayaked to. My Mom lives in the middle area of the picture!

Day 10- A Picture of You Taken over 10 Years Ago

First thing's first, Happy Birthday to my wonderful fiancé! He is doing better today as far as the blood poisoning goes, but we still will be making a trip to the hospital for some I/V antibiotics!

I couldn't just pick one picture for this one, mostly because I don't actually have many pictures of me from this time at my apartment. I had to take them from my Mom's facebook page. Since they are not the best scans, I figure I would show you two of them! These are from when I was 5 years old and OBSESSED with the New Kids on the Block (Donnie was my fave!). The first one with the NKOTB t-shirt and slippers was from my 5th birthday. The second one with the NKOTB bedsheets and fanny pack was from the following Christmas. I would like to thank my Aunt Karen, who was 14 that summer and came to stay with us, for introducing me to my first boy band crushes!

Day 8- A Picture That Makes You Angry/Sad

Well hi. I know I was supposed to write this one yesterday, but we were dealing with some crazy infection that Nick got, so we spent a good amount of time in the ER yesterday. He is OK thankfully:)

So, a photo that makes me angry or sad. I don't think I have a personal photo that makes me angry. And the picture that I chose makes me happy as much as it makes me sad. My siblings alllllllll moved away this summer. This photo was taken the day before my youngest sibs moved. It makes me sad because I miss them everyday, and wish that we could all be together. It makes me happy because it was a fun afternoon that we all spent together.

back row L-R, Adrienne (20), Abigail (12), Me- Marjorie (25), Madeline (22)

front row - Manny (5)

Day 6- 20 of My Favorite Things

I sort of feel like Julie Andrews writing this post, but I promise that "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" will not make the cut;)

1. My engagement ring (it's new, so it's the first thing I thought of!)

2. mark. makeup

3. Mom's spinach lasagna

4. Dad's Chili

5. Grandma's ceramic roosters

6. the color purple (the actual color and the movie!)

7. sweater weather

8. my knee high riding style boots

9. my 2008 Ford Fusion

10. goofing around with Nick

11. Savers

12. watching football games with friends

13. Sam Diego's bean burrito with queso sauce

14. flip flops

15. summer nights

16. Bay Path College's One Day a Week Saturday Program

17. Hanson

18. Spending time with my Sisters and Brother

19. baked brie with apricot preserves

20. seemingly effortless friendships

Day 2- Your Favorite Movie

I like to think that I watch a lot of movies. Maybe not as much as some people, but a lot nonetheless. There are a lot of movies that I love and will watch any time they are on TV (Love and Basketball, The Temptations, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Uptown Girls), and there are movies that I own that I will watch over and over (Mr. Hollands Opus, Fargo, Just Married, Click).

But, there can only be one "favorite" movie, and I can say, without hesitation that it is "Little Women" (1994). This movie was the one that I would watch when I was home sick from school, and the one that my sisters and I would watch during snow days. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I can relate to the sisters in the story, or that I love period movies, whatever the reasons, I love it. My sisters and I have watched it so much that we can even "sing' along to the theme music.

To this day, when it gets cold out, I have an overwhelming urge to snuggle on the couch with a bowl of Progresso Lentil soup (what my mom always made us) and my sisters and watch this movie!

Weekend Getaway

This past weekend, I was able to get away for a little while. My cousin April lives in Raleigh, NC and we were able to go and stay with my Mom in Wilmington, NC for the weekend. It was so great to see my cousin because I hadn't seen her since 2008! We spent a very sun-filled weekend at my Mom's house (aka "The Haven"). We were able to spend some time on the beach on Saturday, had some yummy baked brie and wine on Saturday night, and then went kayaking towards Masonboro Island with my sister on Sunday (side note: following directions in the water is NOT as easy as following directions on roads!).

It was so great to see where my Mom, Step-Dad, Sister, and Brother live now. Their house is so interesting, and once they get all settled in, it will be an awesome place. There is a large deck that goes all the way around the house, and a great big gazebo on the back that overlooks the Inter-coastal Waterway. They also have a small dock where they can fish and catch crabs. The house is suited for company with a big great room on the front of the house that can close off completely from the part of the house with the bedrooms. It was hard leaving my family knowing that I won't see them again until Christmas, but it was a great visit. I loved spending some time with my cousin and catching each other up on our lives (and we discovered that we both love blogging).

Here are a couple of pictures from our weekend. The first one is April and I on the small island that we kayaked to. The second one is myself, My Mom, My Sister Abigail, and my Brother Manny right before we left. As you can see there was lots of sun had by all, but it was a great Summer send off!

Big Changes...

Well, I know that I usually blog about cleaning and organizing and all the excuses that go along with it, but today I thought I should update on my life.

This week, I worked my last day at the job I've been at for the last 5 years. The company that my step-dad owns is being sold so that he can get down to North Carolina with my mom, brother, and sister. This means that the job I work is no longer available. While it's sad to be leaving the place that I have spent most of the last half a decade at, I am excited for the possibilities that my days now have.

Instead of spending 3 hours a day commuting, I can spend that time doing anything really. I can tackle the projects around the apartment that I never found time to do before. I can plan meals, and have dinner on the table for Nick when he gets home, since he has usually left the house before 5 a.m. I can spend some time with my Sisters before they leave at the end of the summer.

Although I love the freedom that I now have in my days, I am having a hard time adjusting to this schedule. Today, for example, I layed around the house a little in the morning, cleaned up the kitchen a bit, spent a couple of hours at the beach with my sis and her friend, had dinner in the crockpot all day so it was ready when Nick was home. Since we ate around 6 o'clock and he had been working since 4, he was ready for bed. He's been asleep since 7. So I watched a 2 1/2 hour long movie on Hulu (Vanity Fair with Reece Witherspoon...had never seen it and I loved it!), and now am updating the blog. I know that I will adjust to the time that I have now, and certainly don't want to seem like I am complaining about have all day to do whatever needs to be done, it's just weird right now.

Anyway, I am pumped to see what things I will do with my days, and can't wait to share pictures of the projects I will tackle (like that big clothes purge I talked about months ago!).